Eyes wide open dream

I immagine you in a blue shirt, your eyes smiling. I remember you very tall with that ellegant walk, your steps sounding on the shadowy street.




It came a time I could not live without beauty.

As a matter of fact I could not live at all. The days were again too long and without an apparent sense.

The details started to look like surrealist paintings, beautiful, brilliant to be more precise, however without a beginning or an end. The sun was rising, the words were said and it seems that way was going nowhere.

The summer had started not long ago and my voice sounded like cotton to anybody I was talking to. It seemed I was completely alone no matter how many people I had around. It was a long time since it became obvious that I would be alone forever. The truth was cruel and unavoidable.


Unnecessary justification. The end.

Why do I write?

Why is it public?(since it does not have continuity or an obvious subject except a self introspection, rather mediocre literary speaking)

Its of course narcisism why should I be the exception? It was a lot of rage back when… It was also lots of solitude or rather loneliness.There were many other feelings and memories jumping on me at all the wrong moments that I did not know how to quiet in other way than writing about them.

I had to write about the rage, the impotency and the cries on a very concrete plan. With dates, names and too many painful details. So after I had to do that in real life I pretended, therapeutically, to come back, to have a completely diferent perspective about the exact same things. And for that real purpose, having my feelings documented here made me be accurate to a t there. It made me remember even if I wanted to forget, never forgive.

It was mostly hard to navigate a rather gothic reality or a kafkian one (if well, I remember my too much preppy self.)

From outside it always seemed perfect. For some reason or because I have the habit of just going on.

So I evaded into writing on how I felt about mundane day to day occurences. I tried to find words for beauty or for simplicity. I wanted to make wishes come true by jokingly having them described here in childish and very naive details.

The strength its built on how we get up after each failure.

Here, I had all my failures described in their anatomical detail-for remembrance and to never repeat. I left the victories for outside.

It was a survival tool. Sometimes I thought it was the only one I had. I was of course wrong. The more I looked, the more I found within me and within people around innumerable resources and chances to grow and to live.

Looking back I can say it was a journey out of hell with many falls and even harder comebacks.

It feels good to be at safe. Finally.

And im thankfull, no, not like in the upcomming Oscar ceremonies but for real.

Im thankful

to Memer that taught me innocence and unconditional love.
to R and S that were so kind to me all this way. Sometimes strangers are becoming family and family becomes estranged….
To my bff J. We went through so much bs together that we could write 50 soaps and even more paperback cheap motivational books.Surprisingly we are both alive and kicking, in style.LOL. I hope you will understand one day my introvert social nature that needs time to plan things to detail and to recharge. Its never personal, its a big ego and need of privacy. Thats why we get along so well. Oposites attract.
To mr. B because he is honest and gave me huge legal support and guidance through this complicated jurney on the edge.
To a gentleman that I wrote about between oh so many lines that changed so much in so little time.
To Frank that gave me hope, Christmas, days, nights, hashbrowns and eggs, kisses some more kisses, many many kisses(did I say I like good kissers?! Lol) and way more than words can describe.
To many people that I met in unnexpected ocasions and became friends.
To my dad. To my mom.

And last to the people that got the worse out of me, that made me know myself beyond any limits I had known before.

And now I should start writing about anything else but myself. If I will ever write anything else than food recipes. Lol, who am I kidding here? I have the bug if not the talent and that might suffice in this case. We leave the art to Franzen…

On phone numbers

It was a mistake to have this phone number for so long.

The only person that was ever supposed to call never did.

Life went on. Both ways for both sides. Now im laughing when I remember that , of course, I had the bad idea to play it cool. Because, well being a vulnerable pussycat doll was not something I thought was interesting. And, of course, again, i was wrong.

Men are the ones that crave drama denying it at all hours of the night to only forget about it when the phone rings and the crying poor girl needs her faithful savior. And then the circle goes on, the hormones go up, the blogs have posts, shrinks make money and alcohol sales skyroket.

And during the whirlwind of my life I remember even giving advice on how, why and when women do certain things.

After a while, I surprised myself looking at how that advice unfolded.  I was lurking and somehow shading those feelings and ideas while I was assuming my own place under a different situation. And wanting to be there, all the way.

For some reason the wheel always turns my way. However I wish this time it will not. It would be a very big unnecessary dissappointment.

On another note I am about to fall in love. And for this exact reason Ill leave for 2 months to get away of it. Or to just come back to it, by mistake. Correction:i have been falling in love and avoiding the subject for a year now.

I will change my phone number soon. Hopefully I will fall in love.

Romica Puceanu Reloaded, baby!

73 F. Christmas. Beach. California. Normal.

And because in my life the situations are always reversed and contorted in a hilarious way, I got another ring. Last year I would of said this was THE RING from THE MAN.  Honestly I was fantasizing myself having 6 kids in the next 6 years and becoming the soccer mom forever dedicated and baking pies for the neighborhood and running around in sweat pants driving a van from place to place with kids hanging on my hips and screaming from shopping carts for the annoyance of my sophisticated (ex)friends… However this little brain decided that I had enough and I said a pretty no in public and went home to drink wine by myself….Ok, OK I confess I spoke with my friends about it to vent(they said to brag even if I’m sure they would not want to get married with this charming, sexy hot as hell but lethal player.)

And just because, I got back to my 60 working hrs/wk and I’m celebrating Christmas 4 days post factum. I only pray not to get another surprise otherwise I’ll end up forever on a shrinks coach or even more fun on the emergency room with a cute heart attack. We all know that the best men are to be found when I vomit, or the grocery bags broke and my stuff is rolling away in front of me, or I am taking out the trash in my fuzzy bunny sleepers assorted with my Christmas pajama in July… Now being in the ER half dead with bad hair would fit the list properly. Ha ha ha!

On a positive un sarcastic note, Santa Claus is finally coming to me!!! With a Christmas tree, a dinner and presents. I kept asking about the presents or even a hint but even after using the heavy artillery of seduction weapons I was not very successful, so far. So I just have to open them tonight. That’s enough to make me giddy and another word ended in y. Ahhhh, rated!

After all, this year was pretty good. Well, dad, I still miss you.





Thats all she wrote

I am in that state of mind when the light is weird and I want to delete the holidays from the calendar for good.

And then ill go to bake pumpkin pies till exhaustion and give them away.

Or I will forget, selectively and voluntarily, without any remote possibility of forgiving.

Then, the light will become even more strange untill suddenly, the rains will come to wash all of it away-like every year.

It rained all night…






1. ‘Coz the land is callin’

2. Getting ready for a party. Collecting entertainment material . In this particular case, the Holiday Season ends at the beginning of February. On the Groundhog Day!

3. For some unknown reason the Belgian Truffles got lost on their way. It seems that I have the privilege to gift myself, without exception, my big and little pleasures. And with this circle that got a part missing , another circle got closed and rolled away to the memory lane. Translation: I am SINGLE, without any compromise to anybody than myself. There is not enough time and enough space for waiting. And Myself says that I have no desire to go back to anything that has any remote connection with you dear R. I made peace within myself. And it is ok to be alone, to give up to the family dream (for now) because

3. It suddenly hit me: In 2014 I will go from LAX to LAX through other 2 continents because yes, I am claustrophobic already. There is no place for pasts bits and pieces on this new journey. It is good to be able to come back because I want to, not because I have to and something or somebody keeps me bound.



When I like falling (or not so much)

Having blue eyes and being from Chicago and on top smiling a tad too much was great. And sexy.

Im getting better. I was nervous again after so long. Yeap, im only nervous if I like the man a lot. Lol. Shhhh dont tell anyone.

Smelling good, having two cute dogs that I made sit was smacking impressive.

Being delusional or positive means exactly the same. Lets stay on the positive side this time and forever.

For now id say , yes a nice man. A smart one, a sexy one, educated and…jewish. So because im inelligible I should feel free to jump on his bones. Because I know that I have zero chances to eat mazzo meal on his moms Shabat dinner.

Jumping she said!

PS. Good essences always come in small bottles. Mazeltov!

LE: Contrary to myself, lol, I decided to add perspective to the situation. + – 1 will certainly not change anything. Problem is hes too much that package im looking for, hence the potential of getting hurt, longing and all that bs and blah blah blah that I dont fancy at this very moment.

This is one of those cases where is better not to try rather than regret trying.

History teaches us that we never learn from history

Hell put me to take a class again.

And I found how hell thinks, discriminates…I found many other things about business, taxes, conventions and such.

We are in the United States of America, the year of grace 2013, the month of September. And the teacher calling the roll makes fun on hispanic names, he always gets my 4 letter last name wrong on purpose even if I spelled it to him 2 times, he asked about someone:is he black? He told a woman that she had a bad name…well we cant all be Mary Jane Smith. Sometimes our parents like Jazmine, Elize, Dalia, etc.

He thinks hes funny when he says a business plan is not a book, ladies! Accent on ladies.

Its nice to be reassured that yes, we are immigrants, we have accents and we are stupid and the whites will take care to keep it this way. Too bad the „whites” have to get used to the minority status. Well…karma, the wheel or just history.

WTF? For realz?

Yes United States is the country of all the possibilities in all the possible ways.

No im not going home, cuz my home has a zipcode now and is somewhere in California.

Welcome home „dahling”!

….Nada que no pueda ser, nada wue pueda perder. Rimel de miel….