I was so beautiful…
Untill I was nothing.
I was so beautiful…
Untill I was nothing.
Sometimes, through glimpses of this present life they insinuate.
They, the remnants of the past. Flashes of happy laughs or sunsets or flashes of dark days with desperation in full bloom.
They are erased, somehow i got them erased but that past, happy or sad it still hurts.
Today it hurt and i let it do it. The smell of hyacinth in spring and sidewalks full of handwritten chalk verses. And you.
Then the day passed by like a great relief sigh.
We are getting old my love…
We are getting old.
And how come you are getting so soft after all? And why am i so stubborn and tough?
We are getting old my love, and i enjoy it. So much more than you…
And im laughing more, Im reading some these days, im watching the sun setting by a lake. I remember you sometimes and i do feel sorry. But its not important, it never was.
We are getting old under different moons , with different people and the damn phone still ringing…you are old my love, im gone a long way but it makes me laugh how predictably lonely you show yourself…
Honestly and 100% I can say now that Yes, i was in love with you.
Long time ago i was counting that i loved 2 times and a half. Well you were the half that i was afraid to give it a round up to. I do the math now, in retrospect along with the new year’s resolutions.
It seems i did so many things for it.
And now that it comes oh so easy, of course, it doesnt matter.
I stomped on it, thrashed it then trashed it to just wash it and prettend its there, intact behind cracks and wrinkles. The Love.
It makes me laugh, cynical me, to know i was right. It used to hurt to be right and to be again and again tortured to say i was wrong by one after another…
Sometimes, albeit all the times, i hoped. Of course , in vain. And he knew it, he knew he had that power on me. Well , after all i gave him that power, to have me, to get inside my mind. But he chose to only ask, once in a while or to stupidly joke of course just once in a … while.
When „i grew up” or out of it more precisely, i ended being emmotionally blank.insensitive and more sarcastic. And it doesnt even feel rewarding to validate the fact that , yes, (im repeating myself) i was right and yes now he is in pain. Bingo, right? Wrong…
Its a waste of time and of feelings that were so out of sync. But yeah we felt for each other. In different dimenssions, and totally unconnected…
On another note i love when men just go behind stupid reasons. The sweet ones are the best. They make for good comedies if it would not be a drama showing its sharp claws behind the smiles(words).
Under the humid sun, far far away, i was told that i have a mans brain in a womans body. It was supposed to be a compliment. Too bad that i dont have a mans heart in my own body. The brain is the least important asset for a woman that wants to be happy in a relationship. Unless she fantasizes to be in a relationship with herself, lol….
And then i was asked , after so long, if i want to have kids. i said yes. He said i am too late in his life. I said congratulations and I left. Sometimes i dont want to say or to do anything.
The things we do for love….the things we do…
So many times I left so i can see what it was so close to me.
This time, literally i went across the world. Well i still have 22 days to go.
Amongst many things I found out that home is Los Angeles. Despite the fact that ill never ever be from Los Angeles, no matter how hard i would try. But the beach, the sun, the ashes of my first
and last love, the places that now mean so much to me…. Even feeling nostalgic about tulips opening in spring while driving through Christal Cove in the summer heat makes me feel that I belong to OC. I dont know when the traffic jam on 405 at exactly 6 pm started to feel normal, familiar and almost cozy whyle listening to 94.7. But it did.
And as much as I wanted this trip, now , almost to the end of it, i realise that id rather be home than at Marinis on 57 or at Mandarin Oriental having my obsessive 5 o clock tea.
And amongst so many wonderful places i have seen from West to very far East and in between it suddenly became clear that i need to just stop and nest. Life is very simple. And i am so very happy.
Untill today, 29 December, at 2.11 am, it seems that I will go home, have a simple life with a man that is so normal that finally he taught me not to run away, or at least to come back (after 3 nonths and 17 days precisely.)
Of course the impulse of running or at least having my own (big space) is never going to go away. But it feels almost heavenly to know that i have where to come back because i am whanted the way that i am. Not skinnier, not nicer, not blonde, not anything else that so many years I was supposed to become, unnecessarily and totally against myself.
Oc would never became home without being able to visit so many wonderful places and to meet so many amazing people. After al these years, i understood who is important and who decided to vanish far away in their own important paradigm. People have this dinamic of drifting away or sticking together. I also learnt to accept. Anything and everything. And i learnt to smile, daily, until it became second nature.
I made a perfume, i ate good food, i laughed with friends, i cried a bit, i was mad, i was sad, then i looked up and i kept going because suddenly it was so easy to just be in that very second.
AND ITS SO GOOD TO BE HAPPY. I WOULD NOT CHANGE WHATEVER WAY I HAD TO WALK UNTIL NOW FOR ANYTHING. BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND, ACCEPT AND LOVE ANYTHING AROUND.
After 3 years:
I lost any belief that I had. In anything and in anyone. I unlearn everything even the happiness. Home is wherever it is and mostly where it itsnt at this very moment. I wanted so much to be but it is just not possible. So mosttly i am again in between and never enough , im too early or too late, too smart or not even, never blonde and too curvy. But always with pearls and red nail polish. And older. A bit more dry and sarcastic. And always under the full moon but not on Thursdays anymore. Because I forgot and maybe not able to forgive -the scars hurt but with honesty I would like to feel again, if i could; heart is dead too.
It doesnt matter how much I run away or how great is to come home. I can never run out of myself because in fact, there is no home no matter how much new age crap i chose to emulate….
Life took over and thats just about it. 4 times a year i get on a plane and i run. And one day I will just stay wherever that plane would take me. Because in the beginnings, at least , i could just be and not forced to become.
And now i can pack my soap box and go home, drink a coffee an be the perfect robot. You are welcome…
Nanobyte – Honour: http://youtu.be/SzURg7UBK4I
I dont know why but this is addictive
I remember those smiles. So genuine but just normal and soft.
When he knows you for a while and he suddenly sees you and when you just catch his eyes in that very second.
I thought that with time I would forget all that and convert into a person going through the material aspect of life like itd be the only valid thing. Of course I was wrong.
On that Sunday I woke up contemplating the idea, of course liking it, however without having any reason (in fact anybody) to smile to.
Apendix: Is that possible? If so, i need to find out.