So many times I left so i can see what it was so close to me.
This time, literally i went across the world. Well i still have 22 days to go.
Amongst many things I found out that home is Los Angeles. Despite the fact that ill never ever be from Los Angeles, no matter how hard i would try. But the beach, the sun, the ashes of my first
and last love, the places that now mean so much to me…. Even feeling nostalgic about tulips opening in spring while driving through Christal Cove in the summer heat makes me feel that I belong to OC. I dont know when the traffic jam on 405 at exactly 6 pm started to feel normal, familiar and almost cozy whyle listening to 94.7. But it did.
And as much as I wanted this trip, now , almost to the end of it, i realise that id rather be home than at Marinis on 57 or at Mandarin Oriental having my obsessive 5 o clock tea.
And amongst so many wonderful places i have seen from West to very far East and in between it suddenly became clear that i need to just stop and nest. Life is very simple. And i am so very happy.
Untill today, 29 December, at 2.11 am, it seems that I will go home, have a simple life with a man that is so normal that finally he taught me not to run away, or at least to come back (after 3 nonths and 17 days precisely.)
Of course the impulse of running or at least having my own (big space) is never going to go away. But it feels almost heavenly to know that i have where to come back because i am whanted the way that i am. Not skinnier, not nicer, not blonde, not anything else that so many years I was supposed to become, unnecessarily and totally against myself.
Oc would never became home without being able to visit so many wonderful places and to meet so many amazing people. After al these years, i understood who is important and who decided to vanish far away in their own important paradigm. People have this dinamic of drifting away or sticking together. I also learnt to accept. Anything and everything. And i learnt to smile, daily, until it became second nature.
I made a perfume, i ate good food, i laughed with friends, i cried a bit, i was mad, i was sad, then i looked up and i kept going because suddenly it was so easy to just be in that very second.
AND ITS SO GOOD TO BE HAPPY. I WOULD NOT CHANGE WHATEVER WAY I HAD TO WALK UNTIL NOW FOR ANYTHING. BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND, ACCEPT AND LOVE ANYTHING AROUND.
After 3 years:
I lost any belief that I had. In anything and in anyone. I unlearn everything even the happiness. Home is wherever it is and mostly where it itsnt at this very moment. I wanted so much to be but it is just not possible. So mosttly i am again in between and never enough , im too early or too late, too smart or not even, never blonde and too curvy. But always with pearls and red nail polish. And older. A bit more dry and sarcastic. And always under the full moon but not on Thursdays anymore. Because I forgot and maybe not able to forgive -the scars hurt but with honesty I would like to feel again, if i could; heart is dead too.
It doesnt matter how much I run away or how great is to come home. I can never run out of myself because in fact, there is no home no matter how much new age crap i chose to emulate….
Life took over and thats just about it. 4 times a year i get on a plane and i run. And one day I will just stay wherever that plane would take me. Because in the beginnings, at least , i could just be and not forced to become.
And now i can pack my soap box and go home, drink a coffee an be the perfect robot. You are welcome…